How to celebrate the Fourth of July like an American
Follow these eight steps for a truly authentic US Independence Day.July 4, 2016
The 4th July; the day that the United States gained independence from Great Britain, immortalised by the brilliantly awful film Independence Day. And now they've made a sequel...
The holiday is a massive deal in America, and like most American pop-culture events it has slowly spread to other parts of the world. However, in case you're not entirely sure how to pay homage to your transatlantic friends, we decided to give you a guide to all things stars and stripes so you can celebrate in true American style.
Here's how to come across like a regular Uncle Sam. (Warning: not to be read by Americans without an ability to laugh at themselves).
1. Eat cheese - with everything
Don't get us wrong, here at EDGAR we love our cheese. But we prefer a nice brie or Stilton than the plastic, melt-in-the-microwave stuff the US is famous for. But if you're going to embrace the Fourth of July, then a thick coating of fluorescent orange, processed cheese on any - and every - food is the way to go. But preferably on a hot dog.
2. Be psychotically friendly
This isn't a criticism, far from it in fact. But we've found that most Americans are incredibly friendly, especially when meeting them for the first time. We don't mean the standard level of friendly measured by saying hello in the morning; we mean a maintained, all-out assault on friendliness that we can't help but be slightly suspicious of.
3. Use Americanisms
"Can I get a cup of coffee please?" Well, it's usually the barista's job but if you really insist then we don't see why not.
There are a million and one other phrases, from doing 'math' to ordering 'takeout' and 'taking out the trash', that you could use to assimilate into American society. We wouldn't normally recommend you use them, but for this special day, knock yourself out.
We all tip, but in America tipping is an exact science that you need a Phd in mathematics to grasp. Though if in doubt, always leave more than you normally would. Enjoyed your meal but the service was terrible? In that case a tip of exactly 18 per cent is in order. Good luck working that one out on a napkin.
5. Honour the flag
The Americans absolutely love a flag. Whether it's being raised up a pole by some boy scouts, waved around frantically by a sports fan or worn in the form of some ghastly suit, the old stars and stripes are a surefire way to show your patriotism.
6. Consume fizzy drinks by the gallon
How could anyone think that a standard soft drink was anywhere near enough to quench your thirst after eating your body weight in cheese? No, you need a 44-ounce (1.3-litre) Big Gulp cup filled with a drink so sugary and acidic that it would corrode a kitchen sink. And call it a 'soda' when you order.
7. End every sentence like it's a question
Don't you just find that infuriating? When the tone of a person's voice goes up at the end of a sentence? Like it's a question? But it's not really a question? Yes, we do. But if you want to get into the American spirit then it's a good way to go about it.
8. Always carry at least one gun
In the States it's a person's constitutional right to bear arms, so a shotgun in the boot of your car, one pistol holstered by your waist and another strapped to your ankle should just about cover it. You know, just in case.
(Editor's note: of course, we are joking. America's gun law has been the topic of hot political debate this year. In our eyes the only time you should be using a gun is when you're clad in a Barbour jacket and wellington boots on a game hunt in the British countryside.)