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Film + TV

10 movie remakes that should never have happened

Words by Nathan Irvine

Pointless.

For every excellent remake such asĀ It, A Star is Born or The DepartedĀ there’s a truly pointless one. Something that has been committed to celluloid with the best intentions, but ultimately turned out to be a senseless disaster.

With the surge in rehashed Disney movies such as Beauty and the Beast and the The Lion King hitting the cinema, remakes have never been more popular. So here, in no particular order, we recap the modern copycats that are nowhere near as good as the original.

10

10

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Leatherface intimidating woman in Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

What was a mind-bending, truly creepy affair was remade into a schlocky horror where the you didn’t care if the victims met their demise.

9

RoboCop (2014)

Robocop aiming his pistol.

It limped in and out of the box office as if the main man was covered in rust. Despite this, the Paul Verhoeven classic is due another remake in 2020. Please stop.

8

Shaft (2000)

Samuel L. Jackson in a scene from the Shaft movie remake.

What’s the movie franchise that was erroneously revived in the year 2000? SHAFT! Damn right. Maybe the mooted sequel will be better.

7

Psycho (1998)

Anne Hesche recreating the famous shower scene in the remake of Psycho.

A shot-by-shot remake of the critically acclaimed thriller wasn’t needed. It added nothing and should’ve been knifed in the planning stages.

6

Arthur (2011)

Russell Brand wearing a top hat in the Arthur movie remake.

Remember when Russell Brand was the flavour of the month in the mid-Noughties? He was in everything, including the awful Arthur where he implausibly attempted to recreate the magic of the late, great Dudley Moore. A stinker.

5

Total Recall (2012)

Colin Farrell sat in a chair in Total Recall.

Another Verhoeven classic that was needlessly brought back to life. Colin Farrell did his best to deliver a performance of note, but this remake felt too serious. We’d rather it was erased from memory.

4

Oldboy (2013)

Josh Brolin in the lead role of Oldboy clutching a claw hammer.

The original Korean version was cinematic perfection. This Josh Brolin fronted Spike Lee joint was not. Awful.

3

Murder on the Orient Express (2017)

The all-star cast of the remake of Murder on the Orient Express together in a train carriage.

How could a movie with this red-hot cast of A-listers such as Johnny Depp, Olivia Colman and Kenneth Branagh fail? A lack of suspense ultimately derailed this murder-mystery.

2

Robin Hood (2018)

Taron Egerton as Robin gesturing to a chasing crowd in the movie remake of Robin Hood.

Another year, another Robin Hood remake. This one with Taron Egerton (Rocketmen) through caution to the wind and laced it with big budget stunts and explosions. It rightly won the Worst Remake category at the 2019 Razzies.

1

The Italian Job (2003)

Mark Wahlberg, Charlize Theron and Jason Statham in The Italian Job remake.

Mini Coopers? Check. A heist gone wrong? Check. Anything else remotely related to the wit and charm of the 1969 original? Nope.

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